Thug Love
by Tillian
Summary: A simple tale about two goons working under Aria's syndicate faction, doing their usual daily routine around Omega. Which involves fighting, drinking and throwing vulgar insults at each other. A love story between a turian with lisp and his krogan lover.


_A/N: As one of those snippet quotes from "Comedy Divine" picked out from the three part epic poem sums about this fic, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter." Basically someone from the ME Fanfic forums made a wishful thinking about having a side mission in ME3 involving a turian who suffered from lisp and his krogan lover. As a result, it spark me an inspiration to write a crack fic about them._

_Anyways, the usual obligation disclaimer: The ME universe belongs to BioWare. There, I've said it. Don't sue me. Also the lisp condition is a serious thing. Apologies for those that suffered from lisp. Seriously, have pity with them.  
_

* * *

**Thug Love**

It was another typical day on Omega. The usual nasty smell of smog and piss in the alleyways, the never ending sounds of gun fire that happened at every single minute and the blaring cheesy electronica music that is coming out of the Afterlife club at every hour and every second of every single day.

Believe it or not, Aria T'Loak issued a mandatory rule that anyone questions her taste in music, that person would be shot on sight, no questions ask.

However, even certain krogans have standards when it comes to taste in music.

"I'm not going to name names here, but I fancy a different kind of music," the krogan thug casually remarked while carrying a male human corpse over his shoulder.

His turian partner in crime raised his plated eyelid at him in bemusement, as he leaned over the pillar with his back, while crossing his arms across his chest.

Usually krogans didn't care for cultural things such as, art, music, philosophy and all the other stuff that most krogans would call 'wimpy hobbies'. However, this krogan, named Javax, had a deep interesting with art and music.

Especially with music.

Javax bashed over the holographic interface a couple of times with his fist before the airlock shaft opened up for him. He shoved the corpse hastily into the cramped space like a garbage bag, much to the turian's disgust. After he squashed it neatly into the shaft, he slammed the interface again with his free arm and the shaft made a whiny, metallic sound behind the closed hatch. Afterwards, he was brushing off with both of his hands while grinning in satisfaction.

"Was-c it necess-cary to kill that poor basc-tard?" The turian asked.

"What? Sorry I can't hear you, Alterus. You have to speak clearer than that! Even my translator device is glitching from your lisp illness!"

"Damn it! I've said, is it _fucking _necessary to kill that bastard?" Alterus growled. He was so sick of constantly trying to repeat his lines every time he couldn't pronounce it properly. Not to mention that his condition alone had turn him into a joke every time he tried to woo a girl with his pick up lines. Even the translator device has managed to pick up his impaired speech tone, much to his dismayed.

Javax replied, "Definitely. That asshole was asking for it when he tried to smash a guitar in the middle of his tantrum."

"Javax, it's only a guitar! Did you really need to kill him because of that?"

"Do you know much time and effort it takes to make one musical instrument? Besides, what if some kid _needs _that guitar someday? Think of the children... and the guitars."

"Alright, alright. I get it! No one should break their musical instruments. Now, can we go back to Afterlife and get a drink?"

The krogan groaned, "Really? Do I have to lis... I mean it would be nice if we could drink somewhere else. I need a little peace and quiet."

"I thought all krogans get twitchy at the thought of those two words: peace and quiet," Alterus teased him.

"Turian, I got two words for you: Shut up. Now, pick another place or I'm going to break those flip flop things on your face."

* * *

Life as Aria's goon wasn't easy. Sure you could walk down a dark alleyway without getting mugged, kill anyone that gave you the wrong look without facing repercussions, get good deals with the drinks from the Afterlife bar and free dance sessions with the strippers. However like all the good things in life, there's always a catch. You still had to work your ass off, policing around the station, making sure no-one is doing anything that pisses Aria off, like staging a coup or badmouthing about her fashion sense. And depending on your job, you could be forced to stand at Aria's side all day, doing nothing but guarding her throne while listening the dance music drilling into your brain.

Fortunately for both Alterus and Javax, they were lucky enough to be assigned to wander around the station. That meant they had a fair bit of freedom to do anything they wanted to do, as long they can keep their check with the civilians, making sure they only say nice stuff about Aria.

Right now, they were drinking in Jinxed Sanctuary, a small quiet bar that offered meals and drinks. Both Alterus and Javax had known the bar owner for a while now, a cheery hanar who always gave them decent deals whenever they stop by. Strangely enough, the ownership of this bar hadn't been contested ever since it first opened at the same time as Fortune's Den, it's rival bar. It might be the name that scared off the unsavoury gangs, or the hanar's big collection of guns at the back counter gave them second thoughts. Either way, as long there's peace, quiet and good deals, it worked-out well for the two goons.

"I just don't get it, who's the genius that put the 's' in lisp? Not only it's cruel but also it's fucking insulting for people like us," Alterus complained.

"I would love to take credit for that, since I would also put the 's' in there just to piss you off, but noooo... some smart-ass human beat me to it first."

"Gah! Why it had to be _fucking _humans? Ever since they reared their ugly head into space, nothing good comes out them. First we have that stupid Relay 314 incident which they bawl over like cry babies, then they snagged all the asari away from us and now this! They added an 's' to lisp!"

"Take a deep breath, turian. Try to think positive stuff instead, stop being so negative, it won't do any good for your health if you think like that."

"You only like them because they gave us turians a hard time!"

"Hey, hey. You guys shoved the genophage boot up our collective asses a few centuries back, yet you don't hear me bitching and whining about it, unlike you," Javax retorted.

The two goons bickered at each other again. While they exchanged snide remarks and sipped their drinks, the hanar bar owner continued to wipe the bar counter with one of its tentacles, calmly ignoring their heated conversation. This is why the Jinxed Sanctuary was their ideal place to hang out: it was the only bar on Omega they can freely fire at each other with insults and childish profanity without being interrupted by some clueless outsider who had no right to step into their little private world. As they were about to throw some more vitriolic fuel at each other, they realised that their glasses were empty a few seconds ago.

"Valen! Pour another drink for us, we're not done yet!" Javax yelled.

"Of course, with this one's blessing!" Valen the hanar replied, before refilling their drinks.

After Valen pour the liquor into their respective mugs, Alterus and Javax continued their talk as usual, except now the topic was being switched over to gossip about one of the residents of Omega.

"I've heard Archangel is a turian," Alterus remarked.

"Really? How did you know that? I thought they never found his body after that whole thing with the mass merc assault... unless they did."

"No. Just some eyewitnesses."

Javax narrowed his eyes, expressing his disbelief, "From what I've last heard, no one came out alive."

"Still, it's best to take their word for it. It would be nice to picture a badass turian putting the boot onto some dumbass human merc just for once."

"And you would still prefer to believe that he's a turian?"

"Uh...yes. Why?"

"Well, I've also heard rumours that he had a nice voice and didn't suffer from lisp. A voice so beautiful that everyone wanted to bang him... even the guys as well."

"Bullshit! That's not true! Who said that?" Alterus growled.

"Those girls at the dancing quarters in the Afterlife. Come on, anything that comes out of their mouths must be true..."

Before Alterus started to rant about how Javax's remark about Archangel's voice was a way to patronise him, when a dozen of batarians thugs rudely marched into the bar. After kicking down a few tables and a chair in their attempt to intimidate the bar owner, they pulled their guns out quickly and pointed at Valen when the chair broke one of the batarians' toes, ignoring the two goons.

"Let this one make an estimate probability: The other one wants the deed to this bar?" Valen asked.

"Of course. Now hand it over before I'll turn you into hanar sushi!" The batarian gang leader snarled.

"The other one should know, that this one has a large collection of weaponry behind this counter. It doesn't want to give the batarian an untimely death. It suggests that the other one should leave before the situation becomes hideous."

Alterus chimed in while taking the last few drops his turian margaritas, "Yeah, you heard the man. Now piss off and go hassle at Fortune's Den instead. You don't want a hanar to go commando on your ass."

"And who the hell do you think you are, turian?" The batarian growled.

"See this bar? It's ours. We got here first. Now, I suggest you to run outside and play, little kid."

"We're going to take over this bar whether you like it or not. So what you're going to do about it, huh?"

"Well, you see. I'm no Archangel but... I know how to use guns!" Alterus yelled as he quickly pulled out two submachine guns and did a dramatic pose.

There was a brief moment of silence as the batarian gang members gave each other uneasy look. At first they looked confused and a little intimidated, then the next moment they are howling with laughter while slapping their thighs.

"Hey, take a look at that turian! This guy thinks he's the shit, but he's such a try hard!" The Batarian gang leader guffawed. He continued, "This lispy retard can't even say the letter..."

Before the batarian was able to finish his sentence, there was a loud bang, as his head was exploded into big chunks that looked like red salsa. The next moment, the rest of the gang pointed their guns at Javax, who casually reloaded a couple more heat sink cartridges into his M- 300 Claymore shotgun, after he head shot their leader at point blank range.

The krogan waved his shotgun at the gang, giving them an angry snarl, "No one takes the piss out of Alterus and his condition but _me!_"

"Get them!" One of the gang members yelled. A bar fight ensured.

"Well... I'm glad you're always watching my back," Alterus remarked, while kicking one of the thugs in the groin.

Javax grunted while punching a nearby batarian, "Can't exactly let you die. Who's going to sit there with me and listen to my prized LP collections if you're gone."

"Or who's going to nit pick my pronunciations if you're dead, Javax."

"Exactly! If we both don't survive this, then we won't have each other to take the piss out of. Now, let's get down to it. You know the drill, turian."

Alterus nodded back at the krogan, jumped onto a nearby table and somersaulted towards the hanging ceiling lamp. He gripped the lamp with his talons and started to swing wildly, shooting down at the thugs with a couple rounds from his sub-machine gun, while trying to make sure he didn't damage the furniture too much. Apart from having to pay property damage, he still wanted to be on good terms with Valen, hence his slightly careful aim during the fight.

At the far end of the bar, Javax waved his three fingered hand, using his biotic powers to lift three batarians up into the air. He aligned them neatly into a straight line similar to one of those shooting galley stalls. Once he was satisfied with the biotic set up, he pulled out his shotgun and head-shot them like ducks in a row.

Meanwhile, Valen floated towards the griller and started to cook meals in deep serenity, in the middle of the blazing gun battle. As the hanar uses a spatula to flip over the varen meat fillet with one of his front tentacles, a batarian was sneaking behind him with a knife in his hand. He was raising the knife slowly up into the air, ready to strike when all the sudden, Valen raised his heavy pistol with his back tentacles and shot the batarian in the face. After the thug hit the ground with a deep satisfying thud, he continued on with his cooking session.

"Valen! Would you be kind as to some mood music on? This bar fight is starting to bore me to blood rage mode." Javax yelled over, while he stomped onto some poor thug's spine.

"Certainly, this one will open the jukebox now," Valen replied.

The hanar used one of his free tentacles to whack over the musical device. A few seconds later the jukebox came to life. As some sweet bubblegum pop melodies bludgeoned what was left of the peaceful atmosphere, Alterus groaned. He quickly recognised the upbeat opening of the song.

"Oh no. No, fuck, no, no! Don't tell me..."

"Alright! I love this song!" Javax cheered.

"Why does it have to be _'Fly me to the moon'?_ Especially if it's that bastardised version sang by some human girl, who's even had more trouble to pronounce the words properly than I do," Alterus whined.

"Aww... come on. It's good fun to listen. It might take a while, but you'll get used to it. Besides, look! The batarians thugs are breaking up because of _this _song!"

They both looked over at the gang, who were shuddering at the music.

"Aieee! Human music! Turn it off! Ugh!" One of the thugs yelled.

Alterus raised his right eye wider, "Fair enough, let's agree to disagree. Alright, let's show these assholes who's boss. What's that human expression for starting up some dance battle?"

"I know that expression. Let me do it," Javax cleared his throat while they sided together, back to back. A few seconds later the krogan yelled, "Let's rock!"

The two goons twirled around each other while shooting the surrounding thugs who recklessly charged at them, every bullet and every sweeping movement in sync. It was like a beautiful tango dance between them, with the right steps and rhythmic patterns. Except, replace the high heels and the god-awful formal wear: with guns and biotics. A few minutes later, after that emotionally engaging battle dance between them, all the thugs were dead, being riddled with a hail of bullets, except one...

A wimpy batarian had been hiding behind the trash can outside of the bar, watching the fight the whole time. He tried to run but Javax caught him on sight and casually shot him at the back with his shotgun in one hand. The krogan then turned towards Alterus.

"Well, that was exhilarating, wasn't it?" Alterus asked, shrugging his shoulders.

"Oh yeah. It was," Javax replied.

"So... I guess I'll check the bodies for some extra creds."

"And I'll get the food from Valen to take home."

While the turian start rummaging through the dead, Javax stride towards the bar counter where Valen was waiting for them with the food, kicking a few corpses that were in his way. He leaned down at the counter, resting his arms onto the polished metallic surface and looked up at the hanar.

"Sorry for all this mess, Valen. That was... unexpected."

"It could be worse. At least the other one broke a few chairs and a table. Here's the take-away food that the krogan ordered specifically before," Valen pushed the food package towards the krogan.

Javax crudely patted his pockets for his credit chit. When he finally found it, he slammed a good amount of credits down on the counter. The hanar picked it up and counted with his tentacles.

"The other one gave a bit too much for the original fees," Valen remarked.

Javax grinned, "Keep the change. You're going to need it to replace some broken furniture. Besides, you're working too hard. Treat yourself to something special, Valen."

"This one gives out a sincere gratitude to the krogan and your turian friend."

* * *

The day had ended for the two goons. After they checked in and handed over their shifts to their co-workers, they walked back home to the apartment that they shared together. It was only a couple of blocks away from the Afterlife club. As you can see, it had been a typical day for any Aria's goons. Strolling around the streets looking scary, pulling out a few gun shots when things were about to hit the fan and having drinks served in a friendly manner in your local bar. A few raised eyebrows happened once in a while on a strange day.

"So how many credits did you pick up this time?" Javax asked, while resting his arm over Alterus' shoulders and watching him tapping gently on the datapad.

"8,000 creds, a surprising large amount of cash on them, especially for a small time gang, who'd should have known better than trying to take on two Aria's men and a ex-mercenary hanar."

The krogan playfully snatched the datapad off Alterus. The turian tried to take it back from him but Javax continued to dodge him, while tapping the buttons rapidly.

"Hey, I was checking through it!" Alterus protested.

He was about to kick the krogan in the shins when of the sudden, Javax stopped moving and started to frown a little. Alterus gave him a concerned look while patting his shoulders gently to reassure him.

"Something wrong, Javax?" Alterus asked.

"Take a look at this, Alterus," Javax pointed at one of the sections of the datapad. He continued, "The data over here seem to be heavily encrypted. Usually anything that is that secured, means important data... probably more creds hopefully."

"That's sounds... ominous. Should we give this to Aria?"

Javax chuckled and shook his head, "It's only a bunch of batarian kids that should have known better than picking on hardass jellyfish. I'm sure that this data isn't going to effect things on a galactic scale in the likes of Commander Shepard's adventures."

The turian was lost in deep thought for a moment, as he pondered deeply about the data. What secrets did the data hold behind that encryption lock? Will it make them millionaires. Did it hold dangerous information that they should not know about? Or did it have the secret recipe for Tuchunka's Sauce?

"Hey turian! Wake up!" Javax snapped.

"Uh... hey. So what are we talking about it again?"

"Music. I just got the LPs straight from the extranet, wanna listen to them?" Javax asked, changing the subject.

Alterus sighed, "Don't tell me it's _'Fly me to the fucking moon' _again."

"Don't worry, it's not "_Fly me to the moon"_. I think it's a well known human band called Queen."

"Queen? I think I've heard one of their songs on a human radio station the other day... yeah they're alright."

"So... you're going to listen their stuff with me after all?"

"Sure, why not."

Javax punched into the air in joy while he hugged the turian tightly, "That's the spirit, turian!"

"Uh... right. Shouldn't we go back home quickly? I'm sure those LPs are waiting for you to play them," Alterus stammered

"Good point."

They continued to make their way back home, with Alterus' head resting onto Javax's shoulder. Their arms intertwining with each other as they walked without a care in the galaxy.

_The End_


End file.
